I need to constantly remind myself that I’m not really that smart, I’m not really that naturally talented and I’m not really that good at anything. I need to do this, not because of the fact that I have low self-confidence, but also because if I don’t, I become lazy. I can’t fall back on my ‘natural’ intelligence or whatever talent I have as an excuse to be lazy. I’m not like those super geniuses who don’t seem to study much but get amazingly good grads. I’m not so naturally talented that I can play something as soon as I hear it once. I need to work hard to get anywhere near them. I need to work EXTRA hard to get anywhere beyond them.

I’m not writing this as a ploy for sympathy or compliment fishing. I cringe every time someone tells me I’m smart, or that I draw well, or I play well, or whatever else. I want to believe those things about myself, but I don’t. I can’t be stagnate, I need to progress, I need to get back down to reality and push myself. I need to finally believe that I can do things and make something with what I’ve been given, and stop hiding myself in a shell of no confidence.

thinkingthinkingthinkingthinkingthinkingthinkingthinking

Too much late night thinking leads to sleeplessness. I’m anxious, about my final semester, about scary exams, about my “FUTURE”. About my age. Whether I’m too old to start new things, about the things I’ll forget and the inevitable end of every relationship I’ve ever experienced. 

It’s times like these that I wish I knew from the outset what I wanted with my future, and what I wanted to do with myself. Have a clear mind and a clear goal. Sometimes I wish I had ambition and real confidence.

Curse my indecisive mind!